I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
