Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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