First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
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