get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
