So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
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