I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
