And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Randomize
