Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
