Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Randomize
