I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
