i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
