Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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