Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
