we have pet lesbian snakes
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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