I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
