Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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