Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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