He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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