I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
