I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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