you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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