Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
