woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
