Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
