There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
