I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
