I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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