I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
