Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Randomize
