yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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