it hurts more in the daytime
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
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I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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