Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Randomize
