I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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