you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
