no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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