I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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