3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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