my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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