Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just found puke in my bra..
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
