i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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