Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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