Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
The feeling are messing with the penis
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Randomize
