Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
