and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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