Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
