theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
