i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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