Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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