My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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