M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I deserve this hangover.
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