Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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