It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
