Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
