Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I forget how to act sober
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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