I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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