Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Randomize
