yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
